Replying to Hate Mail

I've received thousands of emails since my Jetstar letter went viral. Most have been positive, but every now and then I receive some fairly strong hate mail. I'm not sure why, but the authors of this hate mail usually possess the spelling and grammatical prowess of an illiterate blind person who types with a baseball mitt, or Floyd Mayweather. For that reason, I tend not to respond. This time I couldn't help myself...

From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au

Date: Friday 17 July 2015 7:09pm
To: richwisken@hotmail.com
Subject: fuck ya self cunt

dear rich whisken or should i say dick. yeh i should say dick coz thats wat ya are. have ya always been sucha fucken dick or is it somthin ya work on for years. yeh i thought so your a natural. your probly wonderin why im sendin this. coz your a fucken pussy bitch thats why . ya know there are worse things than some fat shit sittin on ya on a plane ya dumb cunt. thats wat  ya get for flyinwith jetstar ya retarted cunt.and before ya ask no im not a fatty. boohooo some fat fuck sat on ya. big deal. ya think its ok to winge and teas some body about there body even tho your probly just a small dick faget sittin in ya mummys basment wankin it to poofta porno. faget. yeh so what ya can write a a funny letter big deal. dont make ya afucken comedien. see how funny ya are when imcrackin ya fucken skull in funny man coz thats wat ill do when i find ya faget ass. yeh ya better be sacred cunt coz im  gunna put ya lights out for good.

........................................

From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com
Date: Friday 17 July 2015 8:11pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Your email has been intercepted

Greetings jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au,


I am G-BOT 5000, Google’s new automated spelling and grammar robot. In order to preserve the English language, I have been tasked with intercepting and correcting emails that contain an unacceptable number of spelling and grammatical errors. 


In addition to this, I am programmed to detect threatening, hypocritical and homophobic language. I am also programmed to compose a suitable alternative before sending it to the intended recipient.


I have made the necessary amendments (see below) and forwarded your email to richwisken@hotmail.com. Don't worry, that human will never know I was involved.


Automated regards,

G-BOT 5000


Amended email:

Dear Rich Wisken,


I hope I don’t come across as a pathetic, easily offended loser with no life and the brain capacity of a slug, but I just wanted to tell you that your Jetstar letter upset me greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re a brilliant and hilarious writer, but I just can’t stand body-shaming.


Under no circumstances is it okay to mock a fellow human’s physical attributes. For instance, I would never insult a man by implying that his penis is small. Penises come in all shapes and sizes, which I think is wonderful. 


I also loathe intolerance towards homosexuals. One particular word I find utterly abhorrent is "Faggot". It’s something I would never say, let alone grossly misspell. I even applied a rainbow filter to my Facebook profile photo to show how tolerant I am. I also love men with really big muscles.


Another thing I detest is violence. Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent”. I totally agree. Furthermore, using a carriage service to menace, harass or cause offence, carries a maximum three-year prison sentence under section 474.17 of the Criminal Code Act 1995. That's why I'd never threaten to violently end someone's life via the internet.


Kind regards,

J-Boy.
........................................

From: richwisken@hotmail.com

Date: Friday 17 July 2015 8:36pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Hello J-Boy

Dear J-Boy,


Thanks for getting in touch. Why would I think you’re a pathetic loser with the brain capacity of a terrestrial gastropod mollusc? You seem like a kind, intelligent person. By the way, your email is beautifully written. 

I totally understand why you were offended by my letter, but I’m a bit confused as to why you felt the need to share your views on penises, homosexuals and violence with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I reckon it’s great that you think all different penises are wonderful, and that you love men with really big muscles, but I don’t share those feelings. I’m more of a vagina and non-muscular female enthusiast. 

However, we do share the exact same views on violence. In fact, I’d go even further and say that people who send anonymous death threats over the internet are weak, bottom-feeding underachievers with a third-grade education and no future prospects whatsoever. So I’m really glad you’d never send one.

Anyway, thanks again for your email. Did I mention how well written it was?

Cheers,
Rich Wisken

P.S. I feel terrible that my letter upset you. As a peace offering, I made you a photo collage featuring penises of all shapes and sizes, and really muscular men. I hope this means we can be friends now.


........................................

From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 10:49am
To: richwisken@hotmail.com
Subject: re: Hello J-Boy

fuck off i didnt write that it was changed. your the one that loves dicks ya fucken faget. go fuck ya self and ya gay cunt boy friend. haaahahaahha your a sad peice of shit. ya dont like pussy but ya are definately are a pussy. that photo of the dicks adn fagets is probly stuck up on ya bed room roof so ya can stare at it and wank it off. fuck off and die ya sad cunt.


........................................

From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com

Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 11:36am
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Your email has been intercepted

Hello jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au,


Unfortunately, this email has also been flagged. Not to worry, I'm here to help. I have amended your email and sent it to richwisken@hotmail.com. Once again, the human recipient will have no knowledge of my involvement.


Automated regards,

G-BOT 5000


Amended email:

Dear Rich,


I just wanted to quickly thank you for the photo collage you kindly created for me. It was unexpected and very thoughtful. I just went to my local office supplies store to have it enlarged and printed. 


The hardest part was deciding where to display it. After much thought, I settled on the wall above the cage in my man-fisting dungeon. Well, I call it a man-fisting dungeon, but I engage in many other homosexual acts in there. Some of my favourites include: The Alabama Hot Pocket, The Panamanian Petting Zoo, The Arabian Death Mask, and of course, the classic Cleveland Steamer.


Anyway, I hope you're well. You're more than welcome to come and visit anytime. 


Kind regards,

J-Boy


........................................

From: richwisken@hotmail.com

Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 12:30pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: re: Hello J-Boy

Hi J-Boy,


I'm glad you liked my photo collage, but I'm not sure why you're telling me about your sex life. The fact that you're a proud gay man is fantastic and I support that. 


One thing that does concern me is your purpose-built dungeon dedicated to inserting your fist inside male bottoms. Traditionally, a dungeon was used to hold people against their will. I hope that's not the case with you. Oh, and traditionally, fists aren't meant to penetrate the anus.


Thanks again for your email, but I'm not sure it's appropriate to share your depraved sexual fetishes with me. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.


Cheers,

Rich Wisken

P.S. Before you go, I want to share one of my favourite songs with you. Turn up the volume and click HERE.

........................................

From: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au

Date: Sunday 19 July 2015 4:25pm
To: grammarbot5000@gmail.com
Subject: [no subject]

fucken bull shit ya change my email and dont do nothin when that cunt sends me a vid of 2 fagets fucken. fuck ya slef im done with this shit. 

........................................

From: grammarbot5000@gmail.com

Date: Saturday 18 July 2015 4:32pm
To: jboy_webster@yahoo.com.au
Subject: Your email has been intercepted


Automated regards,
G-BOT 5000


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